My Ideal Douche-Bag.

Exactly how hard must he try to turn a girl off the moment she meets him?

Create in your mind the douchiest, most raunchy, absolutely repulsive type of boy, and I'll tell you right now that I met him just a few days ago.

I'd like to believe that I give people time to save themselves from a rocky start. Bad first impressions don't stick with me if you can prove yourself otherwise (I'm forgiving, if you will). But to have the feeling I had about this boy on our first meeting made me certain that I could not, for a second, be in this guy's vicinity.
I no longer wanted to be associated with him.

They say nice guys finish last, and chicks love the jerks...but I've never met anyone who tries so hard to be a dick, and then keeps going because he thinks it's working its magic.

I liked him when he stuck out his hand and told me his name and smiled with his dimples. From there, just about everything fell apart into a million and a half pieces.

1. He scoffed, and told me I didn't need to go to school to go into journalism.
2. He outwardly analyzed the way I was sitting to tell me what he thought I was thinking at the moment.
3. He likes to stare and then laugh as he turns away. You give him that look like, "what are you laughing about," as if you really care, and then he says, "no, it's nothing..hahaha...nothing." He desperately tries hard to be "mysterious," but in my mind? I don't care what he's laughing about.
4. Speaking of mysterious, he tells me he has a website because he "likes to write." I don't bother to ask him what it is. He says he can't tell me because it would change my perception of him (as if it was good in the first place). The topic changes. We're five minutes into a different conversation but he's dying inside because no one is asking him what his website url is. So he randomly blurts it out and then creates a scene by himself saying that we were all going to judge him now.
5. So while he's staring intently at my face, analyzing everything, I let him without questioning. I even turned my head to the left when he asked me to because I didn't care to find out where all this was going. Then he says, "okay, I just wanted to see something. Yeah, you definitely look like this girl from my high school, _____." From then on, he cannot stop talking about how much I look like ______. What do I say to that? Is that a compliment or an insult? Why does he keep talking about her when no one else knows who she is?
6. Four of us are now at dinner sitting in the outdoor patio. He is sitting across from me, facing the passersby. The three of us are engaged in a conversation while he is constantly distracted, looking out to see if he knows anyone. This probably annoyed me the most.
7. The frat that he is no longer involved in is still the central subject in all that he says. Clearly, that's all he has left to his name-- his former fraternity.
8. I can handle bluntness, but I only take it from people I know. It makes sense. After an excess amount of time trying to figure out who I look like, he calls me the most unflattering name, and then laughs and sprews out a meaningless and still-comical "sorry." My reaction to anything that anyone says of that nature is to look down with a tight smile of disbelief, while my heart is BURNING and remain speechless. But I know he knows by my reaction that he didn't do well. He cracks jokes to ease the situation. I don't smile, I don't laugh, I just look at him with complete interest wondering, how can he think he's so smooth right now?
9. He hesitates to say this, but he says it anyway: girls have it easy because all we have to do is look pretty. I hate it when girls don't wear makeup, he says.
10. To top all of his unattractive and demeaning personality, what in the world was he wearing?

This guy was confident. But his confidence stemmed from the insecurity of being a complete loser, and it was obvious. To save himself, he had to be the one who cracked inappropriate jokes (ie. "The term we use is 'slay.' We 'slay' the sorority sluts at our parties"), made pathological lies (ie. "my frat spent $10 million on renovations"), and tried to use the "I'm inscrutable" tactic by not finishing his sentences and tearing himself apart inside when no one bothers to ask him to finish.

Let's just say that I was completely fascinated by this loser who thought he left an impression on me. An impression? Well, sure. An impressive one? Not the least bit. But thanks to him, I think any girl could give any sane guy five extra steps on the ladder.

He was, without a doubt, my ideal douche-bag.